One last long, long day, but it’s the weekend now so hey. And I have 9 days off to just, crash. I need to crash so bad right now. TWO is looking good, writing in general is going well but, yeah I need to crash. Sorry, proper update tomorrow.
What did, what did I tell you? Thursday. Thurday. THURSDAY.
Seriously why does this day have NO CHILL. It’s 20 to midnight, I’m barely lucid, typos all over the shop and running on the memory of fumes. When I think that 1K started on a Thursday it baffles me. How?? How did I make the most significant change of my entire life on a Thursday? When I’m working in an office it’s not so bad. Yes I’m knackered but I draw energy from other people, I go for a quick walk, I pick up the phone to return a call or two. And yes I know I can do the latter here, but that’s the thing: I’m so over tired that calls are not a source of comfort. Unless they’re to family or close friends, which I should try next time.
Ok blaming the abstract concept of a day of the week is a bit unfair. Only a bit, but I know full well there are other factors. One is I’m overworking myself. I do extra hours at my day job, I do 2+ hours every other day on UpWork, and as much as 1K isn’t work, it’s not like the energy is free. Granted, 1K is never the problem because I don’t feel drained after I hit target. Even on late target days I feel a sense of burning achievement and satisfaction. So what can I do short of a convoluted scheme to become Secretary General of the UN and declaring Thursday a human rights violation? And is that a short story idea? Maybe not, I don’t want to cheapen the idea of human rights, not the way the world is going…
Well, one positive change would be to just WRITE EARLY ON THURSDAYS. Putting that in all caps makes it sound like it’s the obvious fix, and to be fair, it is, but it’s hardly a fix to a problem to say ‘be less bad, be more good’. I could pour boiling coffee over my head at the start of the day. I mean, it doesn’t fix the problem but it’s less painful than Thursday. For real, who invented this stupid day. I will fight them 1v1. Oh wait it’s named after Thor isn’t it? Yeah, Imma just retract that, that’s the worst fix idea so far. Which, is saying something. But all memery aside, I do have one idea that might, might work.
I’ve been avoiding morning showers because I don’t like the time constraint. In the evening I can relax and I don’t have to rush to be anywhere. The downsides are twofold: first, spray on conditioner is expensive, and I’m sick of having bad hair on webcam; second, showers are great for writers. Fun fact, it was a shower that led me to realise Unreachable’s title. It’s almost like a water massage treatment might be good for mental health, who knew! Me, for, years now. But morning showers are such a faff. Well, why not just make an exception for the one day that’s already maximum faff anyway? It’s worth a shot.
So I wrote a pretty intense scene tonight, a key character confessing to some pretty dark thoughts. Leaving that deliberately vague for obvious reasons but I think it might yet prove to be the best scene I’ve written of the book so far. Actually, it might just be the best piece of writing I’ve ever done, so that’s neat. What makes it all the neater is that I have completed all my tasks for target before 10pm, this blog excluded of course, which is a pretty big deal but will be tested tomorrow. Of late, Thursday has been my final boss battle several times, and it’s ‘defeated’ me on each. Sure I write target, but I end the day super late, super tired, and more than a bit stressed. The challenge tomorrow will be to avoid this fate, so I can go into my time off this weekend on a high note.
Speaking of high notes, I finally finished my video games project, and have my list of my top ten games of all time. I won’t put the list here just yet becayse I kinda feel like doing a proper write up, but I can tell you three of the entries on the top ten varied between surprising to downright shocking for me. I agree with them, but I never realised if I put all the games in order they’d come out this way. I’ll probably do the write ups as a birthday present to myself of sorts because why not. For now though, it’s still pre-10pm, and I feel like getting some shut eye. Wish me luck tomorrow. I may need it.
A long day, and a bit of a late blog but a good day all the same. I’m ok, but shattered, so need to go to bed, but I wanna give some kind of update on TWO as I managed to write a pretty pivotal scene tonight, and of all the parts that have come out so-so in the rewrite, this is one that came out close to perfect. It was one of those writing sessions where the scene is so vivid that it feels real to me. Course, I might be delusional, and it might not work at all outside my own head but, I’m quietly confident I nailed this one. That’s a good feeling.
13:31 the day before work and I have all my key tasks done. I wrote 1,100 words of TWO, updated my Bullet Journal and even added a page for planning and refining my desk layout; I journalled, did some editing to WHT and with this post, I can switch off for the day. Best part is I am going to use that time wisely: I’m gonna have my lunch, then go for a walk in the park listening to an audiobook, and when I get back home, I’ll do a spruce up of the flat. A win win day, because even if for whatever reason I don’t manage all of that, I’ve already done all the stuff I needed to. I have carte blanche to crash if I need to. So yeah, turns out I just really needed a few good days, to see family and to get some sleep. Who’d have thought it?
Of course this coming week has an added little bonus, in that it’s only four working days, and then a week follows that where I don’t need to do anything at all besides my core writing tasks. I did debate pulling back some of my annual leave from that 5-day stretch, given that’s got to last me until September, but with one floating day and a bunch of bank holidays in May to boot, I think I’ll be alright in this home stretch. I’ve also got my desk and a bunch of cool things from my birthday and Christmas arriving hopefully around the tail end of the academic year, so plenty to look forward to and keep me upbeat. I count myself very lucky that in spite of all the oppotunities the last few months had to knock me out, I’ve had far more good than bad incoming in that same window. Yes the bad was louder, but learning to shut that out has been a vital skill.
Well I think it’s time for me to get to it. Have not felt this relaxed in months.
God gnats are annoying. Pretty much harmless maybe but I am peeved that I’ve managed to get them in the flat. Working on rooting them out best I can but given my hope was to do a day of housecleaning tomorrow, I’m assiming I’ll need to tamp down my expectations for what’s possible. Is it ‘tamp’? I should know whar words mean if I’m being paid to put them in a sensical order for others amusement. Thank god I’m not paid to do that here, I’d have been fired years ago. All in all today has been a really nice day, got to go for a walk with dad and my step mum in the park, made birthday plans, obviously still a bit weird like last years but far closer to normal than that was. My sleep schedule has been, better, but honestly that and the gnats aside all is pretty good, except for how late I keep writing.
This is the last hurdle I feel between me and normalcy, but I cannot seem to clear it no matter what I try. I’ve been trying for over a month now, and it seems as if even when sleep, diet, exercise, mood and stress are in hand, my discipline to bank target early on a consistant basis is scant at best. Part of it I suspect is the nature of the book I’m writing; these is far from the most depressing scenes in the series but it’s still a heavy part. And well, there’s no point acting as if I’m not burned out because I just am. That’s going to take time to heal, and I’m not even expecting my annual leave from Friday to fix all that. I just have to take life a day at a time, and hope nothing else goes too wrong. I’m planning best I can for if it does. The rest is up to fate.
Kept things very chill today. Had some company with mum and my step dad so that was nice. We played Yahtzee, or ‘Yatzy!’ as it was a Fennuscandian knock off version. A close to perfect day, even if I did have to write super late because of it. I’ll take that trade any day.
I’m not sure how to rate today. Blogging past 11pm is not a great sign, but then this is a mini holiday and I’ve managed to not get really ill, so that’s a great sign. Even the stress red spots on my hands have gone away, alwaya a good sign. I’m still feeling shattered but, I dunno buying this new Magic deck and proxying it up – I had to spend an extra £9 because I was running too slow – it’s really given me a casual focus I can build around. I’ve been trying without much success to get that rush from video games but it wasn’t there, with the exception of Animal Crossing at least. Oh darn speaking of I forgot to check the unique Easter furniture item for today. No biggie, though my island is vaguely Easter themed all year round so it would have been nice to get more decor.
TWO is now in the home stretch. I don’t know if it’s less than 10K off a draft at this point, but with a sprint to the finish that might not even matter. Granted, in my current health a sprint may not be a practical thing to achieve, but who’s to say? I may be better off resisting one if only so I can focus on resting. I wanted to finish by my birthday and that’s going to happen on a snails pace, there’s no need to rush.
It’s Thursday what did you expect? At least me blogging after midday means I don’t have to make some half baked attempt at an April Fools joke or reference. Technically, I suppose that is a half baked reference but, I am far, far too tired to care right now. Honestly if tomorrow wasn’t a holiday I might have needed to use one of my remaining days of leave, and I have approximitely one of those left to use. But I did also finally decide to take the plunge on a Commander deck I couldn’t justify building until now. The first cards for it arrived as the world began to crumble last year, and with not much hope for in person play I ended up shelving the idea for a while. Rat Token Tribal/Relentless Rats however is all ordered, or the last few pieces are about to be.
TWO is looking alright, and I even did some story beat calculations to confirm that if nothing else, my beats are all falling where they need to or near enough. Beats aren’t the be all and end all, but it doesn’t hurt to have them functional in this latest iteration of the first draft. Didn’t get much other writing stuff done today but to be honest, I held in tact until the Easter weekend; I’m calling that a win.
There’s nothing quite like a blog written with hours to spare until the end of the calendar day on the last day of the month. I know 1K isn’t bound to calendar days, opting instead for my own personal wake/sleep cycle – vital if I ever do long distance travel I realised the other day, as if I need to cram in a 2K day on jetlag – but this blog is a pre-midnight ritual. It’s always nice to bank it as such, especially when I can do so after hitting target. What makes today all the sweeter is I hit target on my lunch break. I just waited until the end of the working day to write this entry because I was in a good rhythm at work.
Now before you think it’s all sunshine and rainbows, I had a ghastly night. The saliva ducts you have on the inside of your cheeks, below the cheekbones, are a part of your mouth you might never have noticed if you’re not used to having stress-ulscers or similar ailments. I am used to them, and even bad inflammations I can shrug off because I’ve had this all my life, there comes a point you just get used to it. And yet, even I was howling in pain last night when those ducts started to flare as if I’d just attacked them with a staple gun. I’m not kidding, the mere thought is making me shudder. That cost me the possible full night of sleep I could have gotten.
That’s one reason today is so satisfying. That’s the kind of minor inconvenience that – when you’re recovering from an extreme low like I dunno, 2020/2021 – can push you right back in. But I got up today, worked hard, took phone calls and solved problems, wrote on my break, planned my day for tomorrow and now wrote this blog post all before 5pm. That’s a good feeling. Life is still stressful – always will be on some level, that’s life – but I dunno for a while now, I’ve felt I have a fighting chance of getting back to normal? That when I’ve said ‘it won’t always be like this’, I might have been right. Usual caveat, it’s too early to be sure and it’s gonna take a while to get back on my feet, but, man it’s nice to have hope.