May 16th, 2023 – 1,693

“What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?”

Well, one right now would be trying to celebrate small achievements. I’m about to attempt to do so by meeting with a friend to celebrate the completion of the first year, which I just did. Took twelve years and technically I could still “fail” if one of my three awaiting submissions falls short, but the odds for once stand in my favour. I’m not nervous about failing, which is funny as I was sure I would be at this point. Unfortunately, I just feel empty. Burnout maybe? Reflection on what it cost to finally get here? The inescapable fact that this accomplishment condenses twelve years of my life into a technical footnote? An accident? No idea. It shouldn’t be much of a surprise that I am still very much not ok, so it could just be that. Could be fear of what comes next that I can’t process yet. Or, maybe I’m just ill and won’t realise until I can’t get out of bed tomorrow.

But for now, I’m going to go and celebrate, best I can. It’s a symbolic day. I just wish it felt like a good one.