February 2nd, 2023 – 1,590

“What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?”

Confession time I guess. Pushing my writing out there into the wider world isn’t a step I consider vital; I wrote these stories for me. That said, I would like to have the option, and it’s not so much the criticism I fear as the general interaction. While I like to think I have some decent charisma and can hold my own, most of the time, I am at my core shy and more introverted, even if I do draw energy from others’ presence and enjoy social contact. That’s a consequence of me forcing myself to do it in my late teens and early twenties, so I’d call myself an ‘artificial extrovert’. Note to people on the spectrum considering that: don’t. It’s just self harm by another guise, and it’s not worth it. So, call the fear ‘the social aspect of sharing my work’, and the what it would take? I’d need to feel the time was right, because I am done forcing myself to do things that make me uncomfortable just because that’s what others do. I am not others.

Working in the Falmer Common room is nice. I have a little space I often get to commandeer, looking over Library Square and out of the sun, though it’s so overcast today the latter isn’t so much of an issue. It’s funny, because on paper it’s a much nicer space, but I do still much prefer when I get to work in the office, and not just because of the ergonomic equipment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pleasant here, and I am able to do all aspects of my job just as easily here – arguably more so as I wish I could just use this laptop in the office, and maybe just should. But I do like the feeling of being on site. Maybe I need to find a way to increase my hours spent there, but it’s a bit of a logistical nightmare to fit in office time around the trains. I could do it, but at the moment I’ve condensed all my work hours into Monday – Thursday, with my lectures between, leaving Friday as a freeform study and rest day. That’s probably better for both work focus and uni focus, but I am looking forward to being back in a lot more from May. Probably 4 days a week though, as the four day week does my health the world of good.

I will do something with 1k.pub, and it will involve putting my work out there more than I am at the moment. But for now I think it’s more important to keep the work and uni ships afloat. It’s a fear I’ll overcome, when I’m ready to.