September 3rd, 2022 – 1,438

I’ve had to spend most of today resting, and I have little doubt tomorrow will be the same. I’ve been so knackered by everything going on, and that’s not actually including the whole uncle thing because that hasn’t of yet affected me too much; I have offered my help where I can but it’s all kinda under control right now. No, what’s knackering me is all the residual stuff from a hyper intense work week, and the fact I think doing enrolment and my day job side by side at the same time meant I fatigued myself having to jump between the two at lightning pace. That is however really useful data, and tells me I need to work in blocks, rather than interchangeable time.

Speaking of time, I realised that given I spend about 45 minutes of work for every thousand words I write, factoring in thinking time during but excluding general pondering outside that, I have spent the equivalent of 1,200 hours working on this series. That is, both more and less than I expected that number to be. Of course that’s a rough estimate, and it’s still a lot but, it’s equal to just 50~ days worth of hours. Maybe that’s a visualisation problem, but it feels strange to me that for how much work has gone into this, it boils down to such a small number you know? I kinda wish I hadn’t worked it out because it’s giving me the same vibes as when I hit day 1,000, you know that important yet morbid reminder that as humans, we create so little. It’s not even about the reach of the work – I am at peace with the idea no one will read my stories, and that’s ok if that ends up the case – but the notion of a limit on creative potential, and how small my meagre progress is.

That’s not wholly fair. I know that my writing is as much for my wellbeing as any need to create, and the fact in the space of four years I’ve gone from failing job/relationship/prospects/creativity/finances/hope, to job I feel comfortable and supported in, the best xirlfriend in the world, going back to university, all fourteen of these books I sat on for years approaching a point I can start to hone them into greatness, a robust budget and savings and a hope for the future to be better? It’s enough that it do that.