August 19th, 2022 – 1,423

I wrote super early. Ok, so it helped that I finished all the work I could actually do quite quickly and had a gap waiting for more, but it also helped that when that window came up, I defined a reason to write early: I really wanted to go to the shop later, and I would need to write early so I wasn’t up super late. And then boom, 12pm target, only 7 minutes off of an AM target. Success!

I then didn’t go to the shop. I’m just too tired, and that really, really sucks. Like, I’m glad I recognised that going wasn’t going to be the reward I hoped for, that rest would do me a lot better, and I will still have a nice evening but, there’s that little voice in the back of your head, the one that says ‘when are you going to reach the point where you’re too tired to ever go to the shop in the evening?’ ‘When are you just not going to have energy after 5pm?’

To be clear, that is not necessarily how the condition plays out. I’d be doing a huge disservice to the community at large if I played up too much of a ‘woe is me’ about it, but I want to make the most of life and, well as you might guess, this isn’t really about deciding not to go to the shop on a random Friday in August. It’s about the future, about the opportunities at uni, and most of all, where I go after my studies finish. I will probably still be working for the college, and I don’t need more than that for fulfilment, but will I still have the energy and therefore the ability to do that job?

All I can do is try. And hope.