So an eventful 100 days indeed. I got overhyped about 1K1K, spent the majority of the first third of this getting over that mishap, and then building up to and completing yet another house move. Pretty dramatic all told. Of course, not as dramatic as the last house move, or the two before that which took place at the height of each lockdown with the exception of the second, which narrowly missed 2.0. I am still finishing TBS, so that’ll be ongoing for a little bit longer, but I only started it a short while into the last 100 so I don’t feel too bad there. Also TBS looks to be over 100,000 words long in first draft form so taking a bit longer is no big deal.

Do I feel better than I did 100 days ago? Yes, a ton better. Do I feel better than I did at the start of lockdown? Nope, not even close, and that was already a lull compared to my usual all-cylinders days. I am trying to not judge myself in the last 100 days worth of 1K compared to the first 500 days, and yeah that’s hard to do. Granted, I am actually a lot more productive wordcount wise as well as editing and publicity – if you can count this blog as ‘publicity’ – but even positive comparisons miss the bigger picture. That is, that I changed in lockdown, quite a lot. After my first few sessions of therapy, well, lets just say the word ‘trauma’ was floated, which was not the definition of my experience so much as my reaction to it.

So as another month draws to a close, and as I write my longform journal entry tonight – completing three years of page-a-day entries – I’m not going to be dwelling on how many steps forwards or backwards I took. I’m just going to keep my eyes ahead and keep an open mind, and look forward to the next novel. Stay safe my imaginary readers.

TBS marches onward, but I do at least have my ending, if not the spoons or time to do it all in one sitting. That’s especially true because I’m working off of a Windows 7 notebook that – bless it’s CPU – is not very fast for typing. I might try and convert it to Linux soon just to have it be secure and speedier, as it is a lovely machine.

The flat is looking a lot better. I’m slowly unpacking boxes, and I’ll continue to do so tomorrow once work is done, chipping away until it all looks right. And my desk should hopefully be with me in around two weeks, give or take, so at last I’ll have my Million Desk. Cannot wait.

One last note, I’m now rowing 10 minutes a day and well, so far so good. I guess we’ll see it that one continues to hold up. If I can maintain that pace and eat sensibly, I’ll be at a decent figure in no time. Rebuilding bit by bit.

I am painfully close to finishing TBS. I actually legitimately think of I could just come up with the specific event in the finale, I could just finish the novel tonight, 5-6K words of it. But I don’t have it and that’s so frustrating it hurts. I need something, and I got nothing. I’m on the verge but can’t take that last leap because I have to stick the landing, and I can’t do that if I can’t see the land. Don’t have to sleep yet so I’m gonna do my first day of rowing at the new flat, and hope I get an epiphany. Wish me luck.

3Y1K was a good day. It was a special one, because I got myself all moved into the new house, and set up proper. Rowing machine is here, but I won’t be starting that until tomorrow, as I’m going to be doing a more intense workout, but got enough of one today already. TBS not done, but I did write 1,781 words of it today so that’s a plus. I also think while the main story needs a ton of work, I low key nailed the B story, and I’m super happy with how that part of the novel closes off. That’s enough for me to leave this 1.0 version with my head held high.

Man has it really been three years? Yeah on here it’s not quite that yet, that’ll come in 132 days time, but three years to the day since I kicked off this crazy journey that got all these little stories I had bouncing around in my head all these years onto paper. And given where my life is now as a result, I still feel confident in saying it was the greatest decision of my life that dreary September day to just, start writing. Goes to show that a day doesn’t have to be anything special to be the start of the turning point in your life. Things start small. They grow organically into what they best suit being. I guess, I kinda did the same. And yeah, TBS, and all of my novels are ok, they’re not stellar yet. But we all start small right?

Happy 3Y1K. Been a crazy few years. Last year has been, bad, just, bad. But some good. And more important, where so many times I’d have just given in before, when I got overwhelmed or burned out, or I was moving house for the 3rd or 4th time during a global pandemic, I always found the time to sit down, and chip away those words. Here’s to me making something of it one day.

Well I mean, today was like a slow drawn out mental break down but I do low key feel better by now? Hard to explain but if I had to quantify it, this week was so unpleasent and jarring that by the time the dust settled, the relief consumed all of it. I feel legitimately serene right now. Well almost, my head is still killing me and I do have one anxious worry left over. And of course, that worry is tomorrow. where a lot of the big moving things happen. 3Y1K is gonna be a busy day for sure. But I can tell you one thing that won’t happen tomorrow: I won’t finish TBS.

I knew there was a good chance I’d overshoot, and to be clear it’s not a huge deal. But yeah, kinda sad I won’t be moving onto a fresh start there too. Is what it is though. And hey, 3 days off even if they are being spent doing housework tasks are still three days of partial recharge. That makes me feel a bit better, and a little more optimistic about the transition to the next project.

The week was Hella stressful was it? You should have seen the weekend…

I’m too tired right now. It’s manifesting in poor self care and poor care for the feelings of others. So yeah, way to go. I guess I still got my words all done. Big whoop…

I’m going to bed…

This week was Hella stressful. I’m also just not gonna stress over it more than I need to. This is temporary. I’ll move on Monday, and it’ll all start to settle.

I have a moving date at last. Wouldn’t you know it, but I’ll be moving into my new home, of all days, on September 27th, 3Y1K. There, now the day has a reason to be significant. Am I nervous about it? You betcha, I’m anxious about all the things I might forget to do in the meantime, and how I need to still move the darn internet over. Using tethered internet for a few weeks is going to be rough as can be, but it’s a necessary evil. Stressed? Well, yes, but not as much as I was initially. I’m procesing this at my own pace best I can, and while yes it’s going to be disruptive, I am also in a good position now, not least as I know by Wednesday I’ll have a bed. I’ll be couch surfing my own couch until then.

TBS’s ending is going to need to be rewritten, but I am also now thinking I may need longer than the 27th to finish. No real problems there, I can have as long as I need, but a part of me is still itching to jump into a new thing and clear my head. Granted, doing so won’t fix all my problems, but it’s still an inviting prospect. You know what else is an inviting prospect right now? Bed. I may as well make the most of this one, because I’ve only got it to use for a little longer.

Today went, less well. I got a lot done which is good, and I also managed to write a pretty decent scene for TBS, as well as setting up the grand finale. All well and good too, but there’s a catch, and well, it’s not a small one: I burned out hard today. There was a point where I just, snapped, and while I didn’t mess up too bad by my old standards, I still feel wretched about snapping at a loved one, and also for ordering in because I just wanted to feel better. I should be better than that. I keep telling myself it’s the moving stress, but, well I hope that’s all it is. I guess we’ll see after the move, right?

Ok VR is phenominal. My Steam Index arrived today and after work when I finally got to try it out for a bit, it blew me away. Still acclimatising to it a little and it’s a pain to also need to wear glasses – enough I might look into a prescription lens set – the experience was incredible. I played a bit of Beat Saber, a couple of games of Phasmo, and then just also spent some time chilling in the VR lounge space that Steam drops you into by default. This may be one of the greatest experiences I have ever bought into.

If only my writing were so vivid. I was talking with my partner today about writing the first draft and not getting too hung up on if it’s good or not. They like to have a far more polished product after the first sweep than I often care about, and yet I won’t lie, a part of me is sad TBS is going to be left in its current state. I could I suppose go back and edit it now, but I feel that would be a poor use of my time given WHT – the current editing project – is going to release a long time before this book. Even so, I get it, it’s nice to feel that something is in good condition when you move on. But at the same time, I am quite keen to move onto a new project at this point.

Second therapy session today went well. The big takeaways, that I need to stick to, are that I should step away from my desk to eat and to take breaks, and that I shouldn’t starve myself for the rest of the day if I accidentally overindulge at one sitting – it’s better to keep the routine and, while not continuing as if it didn’t happen, then continuing in spite of the blip. I’m hoping those will help keep my energy levels up and my focus a little sharper. Here’s hoping a good night’s sleep helps there too.