This was a tough month. I’m quite keen to have a far less dramatic August all told. It’s been tough and stressful, and I feel my writing has suffered for it over the last 4 or so days. I just want to not be so tired anymore.

I am a little bit of a mess. I got work done today, so I mean yay? But I feel rough as can be and it’s sure as heck seeing me regress. I just hope I’m back to normal on Monday. Other than that, not much to report. TBS is still in an awkward spot but I’m climbing out of it. Just gotta keep calm and carry on.

I, seem to have had a bad reaction to jab #2. Like, nothing serious but it knocked me down today something hard, to the point I had to take an actual sick day. I really hate doing that but I’m not gonna just sit at my desk too unwell to work, it rubs me the wrong way. Even so, I’m more just surprised it happened. No symptoms, I just feel run down, and no positive test. Just, freaky I guess.

I feel the last few days of TBS are, awful. Like, chuck it out and do it again awful, but I’ll do that in the rewrite. If nothing else, I don’t feel I could do any better in this state. Still, at least it gives me a framework. And, hopefully soon, I’m buying some new noise cancelling headphones, which will, I hope, help me concerntrate better. Maybe then I’ll dig out of this plot-rut.

Ok today went wrong, maybe because I had to leave work early for my job so didn’t write when I meant to, and I had a trainwreck of an experience with Amazon tonight, but I don’t care. I got home, fed up, and decided it was ok to get pizza today. Domino’s has brought back the Double Decadence.

Today was amazing.

It’s new Bullet Journal day, onto my 6th now and going stronger than ever. My first two were always daily, but I kept falling behind on entries and having to write up several at once from a digital record. BuJo 3 was a disaster, which while also daily saw me have to write up about 3 months at once. And I do mean at once, I did that across an extended 30-31st of December torturefest. Since then however, I update the BuJo every single say, and it has become my most valuable tool in assessing where I am in my life. So where is that now? Well this one is called the ‘Recovery Edition’, and I feel that about sums up where I am.

TBS is going well, if a little melodramatic in the last section for my tastes. Breaking into the second act is a gentle balancing act, and it’s hard to resist signposting it in big neon ‘NOW THE REAL FUN BEGINS’ letters. But hey, the story is still one of my best to date. Now I just need to keep doing as I have been and editing the old books to have more vivid imagery. Except WAN – that has too much…

My mood seems quite fragile at the moment. I’m used to my calorie deficit so I don’t think it’s that, and I am sleeping enough, but I’m finding that I sit at work or at home feeling down an inordinate amount of the time. I think it’s just that now things are finally becoming less all over the place and slowing down, I’m starting to process how messed up all my routines and lifestyle factors got in the last two years. Good thing I have my therapists lined up.

TBS continues to go well at least, and I feel like I’m about to break into the second act tomorrow, along with a b story I’ve foreshadowed in a couple places, including an earlier book. That’s keeping my spirits up, but I was stressed enough today that I ended up breaking my phone case in frustration from the charger falling out time and time again. I worry that it wasn’t the charger losing its grip that caused it.

900 days of blogging, yay.

Yep that’s all I’m saying about that. And sorry for the later post, it’s been a busy day, though a good one. TBS is 20,000 words now and I have made it through most of the first act. Ideally that will be by the end of the next chapter so that’ll be quite satisfying. I also managed to finish proxying up a deck I’ve wanted to build for over a year, and really in its colours, for years: Selesnya Unicorns. So life is good right now.

Ok so a late blog after a really strong week isn’t a great sign, but in my defense today was a busy one. Saw my dietitian over Zoom, and had a super positive discussion. Part of that was my problem of milk going off too fast for me to get through it, and mum suggested I try soya. She gave me some of the one she buys and, I have legit had three glasses of the stuff today. It’s sooooooo gooooood. I’m trying to exercise restraint but it’s hard to do. After that I managed one of my cheapest shops to date, and then I’ve spent most of the afternoon watching silly films and playing Phasmo. It’s been a great day.

I think I’m getting into the more shaky part of TBS now, the parts that I haven’t got quite so planned out in my head and/or have changed quite a lot in the last two years. I’m also just so aware that I need to do a lot of editing to get these books into a state where I can start poking you – my army of imaginary readers – to, you know, read them. I’m working through some creative writing courses to try and spot areas for me to improve on, but in the meantime I’m hopefull to start putting some stuff out into the world again soon.

…Unless you count the three books on WattPad, but, don’t, because they are not in a good state…

This is technically my 900th blog post, although again that includes the two essays I wrote on here some time ago. I really need to rehome those at some point to make this feed cleaner. As it is, on day 1,033, it will be 900 days since day 133. Sounds arbitrary and meaningless when I put it like that, and in a way, that’s because 900 posts is arbitrary and meaningless. I’m wary of any kind of milestone celebration after 1K1K, but I figured it was worth acknowledging if nothing else. And as far as fake-day-900 goes, it goes good. 11:06 at time of writing this line, target banked just under an hour ago, and a 1,550 word target at that.

TBS is a bit of a special case novel. I alluded to this yesterday, but after sleeping on it I feel it’s worth noting that of all the stories in the STO arc, TBS is the one I ‘imagine’ in my head the most. Funny story, for those who look back on this one long after I publish it: I came up with this plot about 4 years before the Coronavirus. Did I predict covid? God no, it was a total coincidence, but TBS has become a book I believe I’ve said publicly I had no intention of writing: a covid novel. It’s a good thing I’m not bothered by publicity, because that’s not going to be a USP when I put this book out into the world. Still, in a weird way, covid is the perfect fit for the story I wanted to tell.

Early target is such a nice feeling. It’s been a while since I felt this in control at the end of a busy work week, and I’d missed the relaxed calm that comes with being on the ball. I’ll even go to Mana later, at long last. In my journal today, I wrote that things seem to be getting back to normal, then lamented just how many times I’ve said that before, only for everything to fall apart again. I said that you just have to have hope sometimes. Life enters dark places when you don’t feel things are changing for the better. Sometimes, you have to hope for that change to stick, to have any chance of it doing so. I guess, yet again my imaginary readers, we shall see.

So the good news is I’m falling back with ease into my old routine, now with a much better diet. Four days in a row in the office, productivity is looking up and I think if I can hold my nerve I’ll be out of the WFH mindset once and for all. Great! The bad news? I’m shattered, every single evening. Going back to 8,000 steps a day and over an hour of walking minimum is tough, and when you’re running a calorie deficit to get your weight down anyway…

Today was, pretty good for writing. I wrote 1,950, and TBS grew by closer to 3,500 words. Why so much? Well the latter is because I had a chapter already written long ago, one I edited into shape a couple days ago. The former close to 2K? Just, in the zone. It’s been a while since I felt as truly immersed in writing as I did today and Sunday. I think it shows this is the style of story I enjoy most, as well as this being the novel I’ve thought about the most prior to writing.

Well, time to go make food and try to wake myself up a bit. On that note, tonight I really need to get to bed on time. My routine is fixed, but my amount of sleep is anything but. Wish me luck.