March 1st, 2021 – 887

I’m still not used to being paid for my writing. It’s, not a pleasant feeling. I know I should be happy, I should want to be paid for hard work, especially towards my super secret project I’m still being cagey about, as if anyone actually cares what it is. And, yeah it’s nice someone is glad they paid for it but, I feel like I’m scamming them you know? Like, come on, there’s a reason no one reads this blog: I’m a hobbyist, I’m not ‘payment’ good?

I know that’s irrational. I know that I am able to produce work and critique worth paying for on some rational level, that’s why people who have paid me then offer to pay me more the next time round but, it feels wrong. I don’t know if this is my crippling lack of an ego on display – an odd feat when you write a daily blog on a website named after you but go figure – or if I’m not cut out for this. I hope I am cut out for it because I have big plans for this money, but, it still feels wrong.

I think I need to go rest. Maybe this is tiredness talking, but, I don’t know. TWO is going well, WHT is getting stronger in the rewrite and I feel like I’m wrestling control of my life back, and yet, something is really wrong. I can’t put my finger on what, but it’s gnawing at me.