February 26th, 2021 – 884

Rough end to the week. My mood is not in a great place at the moment, and all my optimism that I might be about to climb out of this rut is looking a little shaky all of a sudden. I’m still kinda optimistic, if only because my first commitment tomorrow is 3pm, but this is very much a ‘working weekend’. That keeps seeming to happen. I might have to institute a ring fenced day policy, say Sunday as a ‘nothing on this day or else’ message, but I mean what can I do? All I can do is try to be more stubborn about keeping certain days free, and at least the Saturday plans are nice ones. I haven’t used my support bubble much if at all, and suffice to say I could probably use the company given I rarely if ever see anyone anymore. If lockdown does end on the 8th then maybe that will change, but I don’t think it’s going to end up the ‘smooth’ end it’s being portrayed as in the press.

TWO keeps marching on. I end today with 40,000 words within a ‘good day of writing’s distance, and if tomorrow is a good day, then I’ll also have banked a 31K February, which isn’t too bad. About a page worth of the handwritten version above target. Granted I don’t need-need to, 1K is enough and if I only do target tomorrow I’ll still have averaged 1,100 words a day, so I can hardly complain. Even so I feel a little hollow at the moment, if only because I’m burned out and need an actual holiday. I also just need to figure out to an extent where I want to go with my non-writing career, assuming as I am that no writing career is on the horizon. That seems safest to assume if I’m no longer trying to get noticed. Feels weird saying that. I mean I’m not exactly happy about my career right now, but, I don’t know. I still have a lot of anxieties trying to get ‘out there’.

One day I’ll feel back in control again. I don’t think it’s that far off now, all I really need to do is hold steady where I am now, not get ill, not get injured again, not have any undue horrific incidents between now and the day lockdown eases. And yet, this is 2020+ so I do not trust for a second that will be the case. I pray that I am pleasantly surprised when the time comes.