August 21st, 2020 – 695

Sorry about my cryptic post yesterday. The scene in WAN I was working on is as I said, likely the worst thing I’ll ever write, and combined with a long and quite stressful work day – though today matched that with ease – and a series of terrible nights sleep, I kind of broke a bit. I am more or less alright now, but it served as a potent reminder of how strained I am at the moment, and the need to get away from the darker aspects of life more. Why I chose to write my darkest book in the middle of a global pandemic and when my mental health was far from a solid wall I will never understand, but if nothing else, it kinda proves I’m darn resilient now. A heck of a lot tougher than I used to be.

On a lighter note, when I finish today’s post I’m going to wrap up my work for the week – some urgent last minute requests mean I’m working into Saturday but it’s the time of year where that’s kind of normal – and then I’m going to do my daily row. Once done, I will have chained 10 days in a row of, well, rowing. It’s nothing spectacular yet; I only do 5 minute rows and I only do one a day right now. That’s a deliberate choice, as where a lot of people will try and ‘power through’ from the start so that a ‘habit’ will become easier, I know better. I know cementing the habit is far more important than breaking through any barrier at the start. Once I can trust my brain to go row on autopilot, I’m more free to up the ante and aim for an hour 2 out of every 3 days, maybe even 3 out of 4.

Having plans, roadmaps, short and long term goals, this is all helping. Having a job that seems to want to hold on to me is a help too, hence why working for free over the weekend isn’t that much of a big deal for me. They say when you work doing what you love it doesn’t feel like work; that’s, not true at all but I’m lucky enough to have a job, and extra lucky that I enjoy that role, so going above and beyond to preserve that is the least I can do. Don’t worry, I will take time to relax too, but as plonking myself in the office every day is becoming a ritual anyway, chipping off a few tasks and spreading the workload is helping me keep on top of the queue without feeling like I’m forcing myself to do it. If I’m sitting here anyway why not.

But I am getting a lie in tomorrow. I don’t have a clue why but even with 8 hours + every night I feel as if I haven’t slept, even without the damn heatwave. Still, could be worse. Could be another heatwave. That is not an invitation for there to be another heatwave.