June 15th, 2020 – 628 – Day ninety-one

Thirty-eight days to go, assuming the plan doesn’t change again. Considering the plan for what was happening with me changed five times in the same week at one point I wouldn’t hold myself to that, but going on that basis I should expect my last day before moving back to the flat to be August 1st. That means that in theory, when my little secondary counter above hits one-hundred-and-thirty, I should be back at the flat. With luck, I’ll be swan songing the counter altogether before it hits 170. If there’s a second wave then, who knows.

It’s important to understand it’s not that I’m eager not to be living with my grandparents anymore. They have been great to me during my stay here and I hope I’ve been of some help or a decent distraction. There is no escaping however the fact that I like to be on my own. I pay through the nose on rent for a nice big flat by myself, and it will be nice to have space at long last. It’ll also be nice to not be spending 80% of my income on a home I don’t get to live in. From there I have just over a week of holiday I never unbooked, and it’s no understatement to say I need that badly.

If there is one advantage to the total collapse of my mental health in the last three months, it’s that being in this dark place is, in a sick way, the perfect place to be for writing The Wanderer. After all with my mood at its lowest place since my years at Sussex University the project can’t push me further down. At least I hope that’s the case or I am in for a world of pain writing that thing. Still, it’ll be a weight off my shoulders when that book is at long last in the rear-view mirror.

Apologies this has been a bit of a self-pitying post, but as much as letting off steam in my journal helps, it’s nice in a way to put these feelings on record, so that I have at least got something to point to and say ‘I was not ok’ and not feel like I’m making that up after the fact. Still, with all my 1K duties done before 1pm, a good row under my belt and a large number of work done with plenty of time to spare for more before I clock off tonight, I do feel a pinch in control. These are the days you have to cling to.