May 23rd, 2020 – 605 – Day sixty-eight

Another day, another chip. I have beenreading a lot at the moment, a mixture of literary, sci fi and non fiction made up today at various points, and on top of that I took a new walking route, decreased my calorie defecit and let myself rest. And for all that, I’m still stressed. It’s a nightmare getting the human brain to shift gears for the best of us, and I am still not anywhere near ‘best’ as a category.

I got into a detailed discussion of plot in literature with grandad today, and to what extent it is needed for good fiction if at all. Fiction as so often is its role in life has become an escape from even the quiet days, because in a perverse way it’s the quiet ones that make the most noise. Nothing seems to drown it out, even acknowledging the deafening claxon or drowning it out with reminders that those on the front line have it so much worse. All that seems to do is make me feel selfish, and wish I could be more help from here.

Rage has always been a driving force in my mind whether I like it or not. The target of said rage is most of the time irrelevant if it adds no baggage, which keeping it to myself often does. Not a lot of people seem to see that it’s what drives me, even though I don’t exactly hide the fact – I’m writing it here aren’t I? The issue right now is that I’m under so much stress and have so few outlets or controls over my routine that it attaches to everything. I don’t do well locked in, even if functionally I’m no more so than I used to be.

One day when this is all over, I don’t know how I’ll look back on myself and how I’ve coped. A foolish part of me hopes with pride, but I often regard past-mes with distain so that’s not the bookies odds. I have done that less since 1K began, but I’ve struggled a lot these last few months. If there is something I could or should be doing different though I sure as heck can’t see it.

Sorry for the self-focused post. I know it’s a blog about me, but this kind of reflection isn’t of a type I like to post a lot of the time. Guess it comes back to the lack-of-ego problem again, so I guess yay for me for this minor breakthrough. I’m going to bed.