May 22nd, 2020 – 604 – Day sixty-seven

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

I have an ego problem. Unlike most writers – just about all of the ones I’ve ever known – it’s the ‘not enough’ problem I’m dealing with. Contray to what a blog like this might appear, I do not feel the need to shove my writing into people’s faces. I wrote that on my bio when I set this up fifteen months ago, and I still havent managed to overcome it. I have to change that.

‘Have’ is a tricky word. I have to write 1,000 words every day because it’s the one thing that makes me feel complete. I don’t have the empty void in my heart that can only be filled by others affirmations, and boy do I need to take an ice cream scoop and dig one. Know where I have got a void? My bank balance. If I ever want to get the career of my dreams – doing just this – I have to start selling me more.

It would make sense if I wasn’t sure I was good enough. I think I’ve been – editing permitting on VOL, WHT, TSS and TFS – publishable for a long time. I am now efficiant enough to pump out a novel every quarter. Soon it’ll be every 60 days. One day I’ll write a novel a month and have people pulling their hair out trying to figure out how I do it. But I need to minimise distractions for that. ‘Remove distractions one by one’ is a central line of my mantra. Well, my current job is one.

It’s weird, a bit tone deaf, to talk about my job like that in this current crisis. But what’s the point of this blog if I’m not honest. I love my job, but it’s not writing full time. That is my calling. I need to start forcing this world to make it a reality. It’s time to become obnoxiously pushy. Somehow…

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave