March 5th, 2020 – 526

Habits are curious things. I can make a habit that I will churn out a thousand plus words of writing each morning. I can make a habit that I will drink coffee at certain times to ensure I am sharp enough at work. I can make habits of showering, eating, even levelling on Magic Arena. But, I can also make habits that are awful, and once set in place, they are a pain to shift. And that is what has started to happen with my sleep this week. I keep going to bed at best at half eleven, at worst almost 2am. That is not sustainable.

But, it’s a habit. That is when I sleep right now. It takes if memory serves me right three days to cement a new sleep habit, but my issue is when my mind is racing, I work through fatigue. That’s great for writing – without it I wouldn’t have 526 consecutive days of a thousand words. But it also means if I don’t ‘decide’ to switch off, then my sleep suffers. I can make a habit of being ‘tired‘ at 10pm, but it means nothing if I plough ahead in spite of that. Staying up late is itself a habit, and now I am moving the window it’s hard to move it back again.

So tonight I have to go home, do my shower, food, Arena levelling, you know, the essentials. Then, I sleep. I have to. If I do not force it early, there is no chance of breaking this loop. I’m talking 7:30 levels of early. 8pm is the latest I should still be moving around. Any later, and I’ll forget, because I will feel shattered, but plough through it because that’s what I do. It is infuriating. I’d use sleeping pills if they didn’t scare the life out of me. 

Good news is work is under control, writing is on track, and nothing has fallen apart in my life yet. But now is the time to right the ship. That is very much a ‘yet’, and I’ve pushed my luck as it is.