February 24th, 2020 – 516

You can do all the steps right and still fail. It’s one of the most important lessons you learn growing up. You can have a plan, do the prep, and check and recheck your work a thousand times. It does not gurantee success. When we interact with the world, several factors are beyond our control, but even those within can undermine us. Today for me is a day where a few of these have conspired to derail me. I left my headphones at home. I didn’t write first thing in the morning. I didn’t make my morning coffee right away. Things like the coffee are pure nice to haves – I do not need it to function. Headphones are getting into dangerous territory, but still ok. But if I don’t write right away, I can lose my footing. 

This is close to where I am right now. My head is a bit of a mess because I want to block out all noise in the office and only have cheap headphones and rainymood.com to do so. I like that site, but I have to put it at full volume to not have all thought drowned out without warning. And well, loud enough rain kinda, drowns out all thought. I would skip lunch and use that break right now to run and get them, but it is so dismal outside, and I now need my break to do my writing.

If I was smart this wouldn’t have happened. I kept yesterday’s post short because it was a long weekend and I needed to rest up to not be a ball of stress today. What I omitted to mention is that I got to bed a lot later than I should have on Saturday. I could have slept at 9:30, and I switched off at ten to one. I do this kind of petty thing when I ‘lose an evening’. I know what I have to do: refuse more invitations. Irony of ironies I am actually busy tonight at another invite, but I make the exception for RP. Then again, I made the exception Saturday because I hadn’t seen family in a long time, and Sunday was ‘moved-Saturday’. It’s like I used to be with finances: sure I can justify all these things. But when I have to justify all the things at once, the wheels come off.

I haven’t touched Clockstoppers since last Thursday. I do want to expand on the idea, and I have some more ideas of where I want that story to go too. The issue is having the energy to do it. I am taking a tem minute window at work to write this, and I have to use the rest of my break time to write today, so lunch is getting rushed. I can’t fit in more writing, and then I have evening plans where I’m not even supposed to focus on creativity. This isn’t burning the candle at both ends. I’m already doing that, this is cutting open the middle of the candle and exposing a few strands of wick to burn there too. Not only do you run out of candle faster but you risk burning the house down with it. 

I don’t have a suggestion to avert that. I don’t know how I’m going to find energy for tonight, let alone to write. Writing more on top of what I haven’t yet written? That is pushing my luck. But how can I ever make a success of this if I don’t push my luck, and burn myself to the ground for my work? That feels a bit immature when I put it like that. I have to get back to paid work for now, but I need an answer to this question. I need a better way of balancing adult commitments with writer commitments with social commitments with unplanned commitments and find a pinch of time for leisure in there too. Sometimes ‘wish me luck’ sounds so disingenious. Luck can’t invent a whole new model.