February 22nd, 2020 – 514

I do not like weekends. I keep trying to pretend that I do, but restful as they might be they’re such a slog. One day I want to rent a desk in an office on weekends and go do my 9-5 there. That sounds dumb, but I cannot stress how much structure matters to me. But that is a long way off, and I have to make the here and now work for me. I have an office at home; costs me a good £100+ in rent each month but it’s hard to put a price on things like this. A room that is for my work and to a lesser extent my gaming is a godsend even if it means I have to ration every penny of my salary otherwise.

So, this is frustrating, but my wordcount for the day doesn’t even need the wordcounting feature built into Google Docs. 26 words. That is after I had a shower where I would on a normal day start writing. That helped, but my head is so out of whack it only got me to ‘less screwy’ from ‘screwy’. Coffee is helping a bit. Loud metal music is giving me a small amount of catharsis, as is Two Steps From Hell. But that wordcount speaks for itself. Today is not going well. I don’t blame ‘Clockspinning’, but it’s telling I don’t want to work on that either. It might be a ‘put it in a drawer for a bit then expand it’ deal. Or I’ll write 10K of it tomorrow. Who knows?

WHT is my focus, and I need to get my head out of the chasm it’s stuck in. Stress is the culprit more than any kind of block. I don’t seem to get block anymore, or, I never did and it was always my weakness to stress. Kinda seems immaterial which it is when you’re stuck in the rut. A nail in your tyre is no worse than a tiny puncture if you can’t repair either. I’m trying to keep the air in but it’s not going great today. It’s funny in a way: I don’t hide this blog but everyone seems to think I’m doing fine. But then again it’s not like the point of this thing is to get readers.

I have to tough it out. This book won’t write itself, and yes I have made great progress on WHT in recent days, but it isn’t there yet. And there are so many more books to come, I can’t afford to slip. Call it hubris, but I don’t think I will slip either. This is a blip. It’s annoying, but it’s Saturday. After Thursday it might be one of my least favourite days of the week and for no reason other than lack of structure. I’ll figure it out. But until then, can I say one thing: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…