February 21st, 2020 – 513

It’s strange how mental goalposts move. I wrote 1,600 words of Clockspinning after work yesterday, but I was too drained to do more. With WHT, that made a final word count for the day of 2,600 words, plus here and journal. So, why am I feeling underwhelmed? This, this right here is the problem with having a 10K day. This is the problem with saying I can write X amount of something else on top. I’m redefining ‘enough’ and that is a bad idea

So why am I so reitcent about that? Let’s take yesterday as a case study. It was still a big day, but I wrote a lot less than Wednesday. That was because I had a bad evening, like bad bad. It’s been a rough week for reasons I am not going to spill onto the internet in ink, but suffice to say I have bottled up a lot. That’s fine, we all do that, it’s what you do as an adult like it or not. But it cut 7,000 words off my “possible” target. That’s it, while I am doing this part time, 1K is doable, but I showed that ten times as much is also doable. And that is dangerous. 

When I was younger, burnout was my greatest weakness. I had a lot of other problems, some of which I still deal with if less intense ways. Burnout was one of those, and I do still have times I bow to it. When I was in my teens, I would go close to braindead if I pushed myself too hard. Doing that for a week could take me out for months. I’m not exaggerating, three or four months at least out of commission. I have better ways to deal with it now, but back then a week of 1K would trigger that. And you know where I’m going with this.

It took me out for less time, but I lost a month because of 1K+. That averaged 2,000 words each day, and it floored me. I’ve learned since then, and even when I write Clockspinning – which I do after main content – I tell myself 1K was enough. This is all extra. But I still feel like I should be doing more. I don’t have to though, and I have to tell myself that. But with that temptation, it’s hard to do that. Enoughism is not the easiest thing to balance with my obsessive mindset. But if I am to make this work, I need to square a web novel with 1K. But I enjoy Clockspinning, so I want to make this work.