January 13th, 2020 – 474

Actually remembered to hit “Publish” on Chapter 22. Yesterday I was a bit of a mess again, and the day before I straight up didn’t make time to edit the chapter. So I skipped Saturday, edited Sunday, and then only posted it today. I am doing well at this whole publishing schedule. Imagine what it would be like if I were writing these chapters from scratch for WattPad twice a week. Ok so in reality, that would prove much quicker. It’s a pity that the chapters would also be more of a mess than I’ve been.

Now I’m back at a desk I’m starting to get my house in order again. That is, my mental house, because my physical house is getting untidy again and I am not happy about that. It’s such a dumb problem to keep having and yet appears all but inevitable. Why is that? It does not help that – while BuJo is easier at home than Trello was – I still don’t do it. I mean, I do, but a lot is in retrospect. Part of that is the old problem of ‘paper sucks for me’. Part of it is not wanting to put my journal on top of the ecclectic mess, and losing motivation. Loss of motivation in general over the last 5 days has been the biggest problem though.

You can’t manufacture motivation. Side note here, my god do I despise 99% of motivational quotes. About the only ones I like are the ones not attributed to a person. Is there a word for acting narcassictic on a person’s behalf to gain the same glow for yourself, such as quoting woke people? I mean, there’s a term for it, it’s called sucking thei -but this is a SFW blog so I’m going to cut that thought off right away. Anyway, those quotes don’t work, but the concept does make some sense. That is, if there is a link between inspiration and motivation. I’m not sure I do feel motivated by inspiration. I am almost always inspired. No that isn’t big headed, a lot of people are. 

So how can I cultivate motivation? Well, it depends if motivation is the same as willpower. If it is, there is a wealth of scientific data – Google it, I’m lazy – that suggests willpower is a finite resource. If we take the assumption the two concepts are interchangable, the answer is obvious. That is, I need to make more time for leisure. That makes some sense when looking at the weekend. I fret that I don’t get much done, yet if I do stuff I have wretched weeks that follow. Not being productive over the weekend is the reason I can be productive at work, not a sign there is a gap in my routine.

So how do I fix that? Yes, I know that I end up having productive weeks, but I view this as a broken system. That is because my willpower runs out on weekdays too, and because I can pace this out much better. I have an idea, but I don’t know how much I like it. The idea would be to spend my evenings playing on the PC, or being social. Under this model, I would block each day like below:

Morning to Afternoon – Productivity

Afternoon to Evening – Wind down

Evening to Night – Leisure

Night to Morning – Sleep

I know how clinical that sounds, but there are times clinical works. This also highlights a problem with not only weekends, but weekdays. If we call these blocks even 6 hour periods, the whole model breaks down. So lets go through these points in reverse order.

6 hours of sleep is not only impractical, but dumb. I’m not going to switch to such a stupid solution to my time constraints. If I sleep less than 8 hours on average, my days become miserable. 7 is about the minimum I feel comfortable with. 6 is borderline ill. So in reality, sleeping between the hour-blocks of 11pm and 7am is a baseline I cannot infringe on. Now yes I will cover the weekend last, but note that I don’t manage either of those goals the majority of weekends.

While I manage to be productive throughout the day, I push productivity right up until 6pm. At least on weekdays, I end up from 9am until 6pm being ‘always on’. Then I go home and I ‘crash’. Crashing does not equal leisure, so I need to use that wind down time. You know where I am going with this: I need to write on my lunch breaks, not at 5pm. Writing between 6pm and 11pm is bad. Writing between 11pm and midnight is awful. Writing in the early hours is abysmal and spirals very, very fast. You know I’m serious because I used the forbidden word ‘very’.

And the biggest problem is the weekends themselves. I wrote this in reverse, because the two points above are why weekends aren’t working. I focus on getting enough sleep – which is good – but I work late – which is bad. As a result, I sleep in. In fact, I do this so often, that when I write early on a Friday, I still sleep in out of habit. That is going to get worse the longer I don’t deal with the central problem: letting ‘work’ spill late. And what makes this worse? I get hung up on the flat being untidy, so I spend a chunk of my leisure time working on tidying. That is a big, fat, no no.

So tonight, I’ll get home, clear my desk by putting the contents into a to-sort box, and play on the PC. No complex tidying. No writing – that I will do soon. I’ll relax, eat, then go to sleep at 10pm at the latest. I’ll go at 9:30pm if I can. But for now to make that possible, I’ll get back to work, then transition into writing over lunch. Yes, I shouldn’t work through a break. But what’s worse: working through a break, or working the entire day with a tiny break midday and crashing at 6:30pm? Wish me luck.

Also lol, 1,000 word post. But no I don’t count these.