December 17th, 2019 – 447

Fingers crossed, my various health ailments were a false alarm. I was all queued up to call the doctors this morning, but waking up at 7am I felt, pretty good to be honest. Whether I will relapse back into more back pain later or not I’ve no idea, but here’s hoping not. Aside from that, I am doing alright. I managed to hit target by 10:30 yesterday evening so I even got an ok sleep. It should have been a great sleep, but I stayed up playing on CubeCobra until about quarter past eleven. 

I wish the inside of my head today could be the same level of tranquil. I’m having a pretty bad bout of melancholy. It’s spun between guilt and grief at certain and specific memories, hard to quantify. It’s funny, because as much as melancholy messes with my head, it’s also the state in which I am most at peace. There’s a calm, and yes in spite of what I put above, tranquil familiarity to being here. It’s a painful place, but soothing in the clarity of mind I find at times like this. It’s no coincidence that I respond well to constant reminders of my past mistakes. 

This is a time of year that often sees me slip into a state like this. When I was rudderless, disorganised and lost, it led me to spiral. In my directed and curated new normal, it’s like being in a trance or medatative state. I find myself in a controlled and pensive state. I think this is what you’re meant to feel when those memories arise. It’s still new to me being stable enough to handle them. All the same, I hope it does pass soon.