November 12th, 2019 – 412

It’s weird. November is a month that in the past has broken many a positive streak. In 2018, I spoke in my journal about how certain I was that November would break me. And yet, based on two years of data now, it is becoming clear I pointed the finger at the wrong month. It seems like October is the specter I’ve let slide under the radar. That makes more sense than I thought that it would. When TUS and TSS were first written, both had the bulk of their work done in October. But in both cases, doing so broke me.

For a long time before 1K, I thought that the act of writing itself broke me down. Looking back, on TSS, TUS, and though I loathe talking about it, The Service to Ore, intense Octobers went sour. But a lot of the time, the roil hit at the end of the month. So, I looked at November for years, and thought it was somehow cursed. My superstitious nature got the better of me. And to top it all off, I ended up attempting 1K+ in October of all months. No wonder I got the worst migraine of my life. 

So now what? I have to post-mortem this, and pre-mortem 2020 well in advance because I do not want to go through that again. The obvious plan is that I need a holiday mid October 2020. That much is a given, and I’ve taken one every year that I can think of now I dwell on it. The only difference this year is I didn’t plan to do so. So next time, that has to get locked in well in advance. It’s not about getting away from work – work was fine in October for the most part. It’s about my pattern of burnout, and who knows, seasonal affective disorder? That doesn’t hold up because why am I fine now?

I’m going to steer far, far away from self diagnosis. That is a rabit hole as a teenager – as many do – I jumped down into an abyss of more confusion. Let’s shift to another topic, that being I have a new book in my top 3 nonfiction. Ronan Farrow’s “Catch and Kill” is such a powerful book. It has the strongest narrative of any book, fiction or not, I’ve read in years. I know this is so off topic with the rest of this post but read this book. It’s terrifying and unnerving, and so well captured. From a pure narritive and writing quality point of view, it is stunning, and it is so much more than just a narrative.

I forgot my noise cancelling headphones today, and that’s confirmed to me how much they help. Not having them feels like a whole different workspace, one I struggle to zone into. This post has taken twice as long per word as yesterdays. To be frank, I may bolt home at lunch to grab them. Either way, for now I am getting back to work, best I can. One thing is beyond doubt: I need to make sure to keep those on me at all times from now on. Yet another thing for me to figure out. But, I like problem solving.