September 29th, 2019 – 368

This weekend was meant to be a reset button. I think it’s worked? But I am not in a great mental space at the moment. Yesterday, only 138 words of 1K were VOL. That’s normal; when I talk about efficiency percentage, that is days I write all of 1K as my main story vs those I do not. 80% efficiency is great. 70% is passable and sustainable. I have missed 4 days in the last 29, where 1K ended up as a project or short unrelated to VOL. At first, doesn’t sound great does it.

That’s an 89% efficiency rating. Why am I beating myself up when my pace this month is my fastest, ever. I have never had a month with this many words. And that’s if I only count the words I wrote of VOL. Those four days, I wrote a total of 3,900 words of non VOL words, taking this month to new heights. And on zero of these days did I miss target, nor in the 340 days before. So why is it, that I feel like I’m not doing well enough?

So an aside here; earlier this week, I was so hacked off with my stress at breaking point, that I ordered take out. I know right, shocking. But really it did have implications. It meant that I had to shave £10 off of my weekly food shop this week, and as I walked around the shop I felt like an abject failure, not because I couldn’t buy the little things I like, or had to ration out what I buy out of routine.

I felt awful today, because I felt I’d let myself down and wasn’t trying hard enough. This despite managing to save well over a thousand pounds in the last nine months. I spent hours today feeling glum because I caved into a £20 take away. Big whoop, why get so down? Well, it’s the same thing. I look at those moments of weakness the same way I look at minor story burnout. But there is a key difference. I should feel a bit dumb for wasting that £20. I can’t help story burnout. It happens. It passes.

I’m still going to try and write some VOL tonight. If I do not, I’ll write something else and move on. I need to. Know what else I need to do? Write earlier in the day. I’ve gone over this time and again, going as far as writing a mini essay weighing up the pros and cons of earlier writing. Pro won in a landslide. In hindsight, of course it did: if I write earlier, I can relax the rest of the day. If my willpower reserves are higher in the morning, why wouldn’t I want to capitalise on that?

*sigh* I cannot focus tonight, so I should give in and write something else. You know what happens to my efficiency if I write less than all of 1K as VOL? 86%. If you took the gross number of words written, divided it by the number of days, and assigned that to target, it clears 100% with ease. But if I have one reason to push for VOL at all costs, it’s the fear of creating a new norm, where I drift from the story. Question then is, am I meant to let that happen…