April 24th, 2019

Well that didn’t last. Ir does not help that I keep getting forced into late nights by events beyond my control, but my mood and ability to focus there with it have plummeted off a cliff. I’m not sure if I’m exhausted or fed up, but I don’t think that I am in the right headspace for WHT right now either way. That’s fine, I can take a break and do more leisurely writing, even switch to Spectrum if I want to, but that only solves my writing issues. It does not solve my head being screwed on the wrong way problem.

So I need a holiday, badly. The good news is I have one, and not even a short one like my string of long weekends. This is ten consecutive days off to do whatever I want to. The bad news comes in a few parts. First off, my job isn’t the cause of any of this anyway. I am pretty happy at work, have a great job and feel like I am where I should be. Yes time away from it lets me focus on myself, but it’s not like work has me over-stressed.

That’s more of a technicality than a problem. The other two red flags are full on problems. The most obvious of these is that I am not taking a pure leisure break; local elections are the reason I took the holiday, and will be a large focus of it. What I’ll end up doing – canvassing, data entry and various odd jobs – are intense tasks for me, the first one especially as I find knocking on doors the most nerve wracking activity imaginable. Heck stand up was less intense.

The third issue is the most subtle, but to be honest is the real problem. Time off is good even if you enjoy your job, and I can regulate how much of my time the election takes up, with the obvious exception of May 2nd. What I can’t do anything about is the loneliness. This is not as simple as being around people – for the most part this makes it worse – but is the reality of even a good life like the one I have when it’s devoid of someone to share it with.

I will try and turn this around. And of course I will write my thousand words, and yes, I will try and write William Howard Taft did Everything with that energy if I feel able. I have to be realistic that I am supporting others while dealing with all this, so I can’t fire on all cylinders. But like I always say, if I hit a thousand words – and I always do – then I have something. Part hope, part pride, part a sense I know who I am at last. I’ll get to share that one day.